On Monday I decided to defrost the freezer a bit. I couldn't find the plastic scraper so thought I would use a big fuck off knife with a very pointy end. I hacked away for a while until satisfied, the freezer made quite a lot of noise but I thought that was it just cooling down again.

Got in from work yesterday to an awful stench of gas. The fridge and freezer were both off and a brown liquid was seeping from the freezer. I had pierced the coolant system, releasing revolting gas and liquid. This liquid seemed to penetrate my skin and twenty hand washes later I still stunk of it.

Turns out that our integrated appliance wasn't standard size so you can't find one in a normal shop… I think I have found a replacement for £700… maybe.

I had to throw away a freezer full of food and I'm also not the most popular person in the Balonz household.

Have you ever been a massive cock?