Inspired by the bully video thread

I never got in many fights at school, people attempted to bully me because I was clever and tried (a sin in a mediocre state school in Greater London), but I was also quite large, people knew I played rugby and my tongue created enough zingers to put off trouble

Oi Rob you're a boffin

Oh good one Jamie I'll remind you of that one when you're cleaning the bogs in my skyscraper

The only time I really got into a FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT situation was some jostling with this kid Carl that suddenly escalated and he was offering me out and at the drop of a hat there was a massive crowd.

I didn't want to get into a fight because I was adverse to getting into trouble and this Carl kid, well, he was a bit special. It wouldn't have been right to pound him. But he was mad, and the crowd was baying. I needed a way out whereby I didn't punch him, but didn't make the mob think I was a pussy.

So I bitchslapped him as hard as I could. Proper rang out in the air.

I still got in loads of trouble though, which wasn't helped by my dad turning up claiming to have a lamb's heart with which to smear blood across my face at my first kill.

So, fights at school. Jackanory