Got up groggy at 5am this morning needing a slash. House - pitch black, silent. Waddle slowly downstairs. Bottom floor – pitch black, silent. Down the hall – pitch black, silent. Open the door to the bathroom – FEMALE GOTH SITTING ON THE TOILET (LID DOWN).

Our flat used to be an office building so we have an enormous bathroom in the space where there were probably once 5 cubicles and a long urinal. It’s also lit entirely by a single 40w bulb so is dim at the best of times. I opened the door expecting a pitch black room and instead found a pale freckly girl with a floor length Victorian dress swaying gently on the toilet (lid down) at the far end of the room, who - and this is key information to take in - did not react in the slightest when I walked in. If I was knocking about in the bathroom of someone I didn’t know at 5am on a week day and some guy with massive bed hair rubbing his eyes walked in on me sitting on the toilet (lid down) I’d probably yell or at least raise an eye brow, but....nothing. Absolutely nothing. And she already had her head twisted FACING the door, despite the toilet being on a sidewall. Ruddy creepy.

I’m ashamed to say at this point and in my sleepiness the thought actually crossed my mind that she might be a ghost. I didn’t try to see if my hand could pass through her, but I did deliberately ask a few questions to “establish contact” embarrassingly enough. She managed to mumble the name of my flatmate’s girlfriend which did seem a more plausible link to her being there than her being a haunted toilet siren so I backed out of the room and closed the door. I was walking back to my room when I remembered that the whole point of coming down in the first place was that I dying for a piss so had to decide whether to do a really awkward return and ask her to leave the premises temporarily, or endure. Being the manly man that I am, I decided there was NO WAY I was going back in there so went upstairs and hid until it was daylight and safe.

That is all.