I have a neighbour across the street who is pretty annoying, playing his music loud, generally being a bit of a cunt etc, so I want to give him a little note (below) explaining this to him.

5 things stopping me from having done so thus far are

1 I don't know which front door is his
2 He is bloody huge
3 (but related to 2) I'm a bit of a coward
4 I still need to live here for another month
5 It actually makes me look more of dick than he is

"To the self appointed DJ for the Street

In the year 2011 I'm sure most residents here already own a stereo and therefore presumably have little need to be subjected to yours. I must admit I’m surprised you possess the intellect to have made a journey as far as the local Media Markt without getting confused halfway there or forgetting the original purpose of your quest. Although as I pointed out its 2011, perhaps they delivered it for you? Isn’t the internet marvellous. Thinking about this further there is always the possibility you instructed a less knuckle scraping friend of yours to work the computer on your behalf and place this order for you, no doubt through a series of barely intelligible grunt sounds. Allied to the volume of your stereo is the fact that you only seem to occasionally pop outside onto your balcony to stand arms stretched flexing your clearly well honed physique like some preening peacock, which begs the question why the need to have this “music” playing so loud outside in the first place? This brings me neatly on to my next topic, musical content.

Muscial Content
(In case you wonder why I am bringing this up all of a sudden, it’s the topic I mentioned above, in case you have already forgotten, maybe you could get your aforementioned friend to read that section for you again?)

I could possibly understand your intentions if the music you were playing actually had some substance or merit to it, perhaps you are on some evangelical mission to educate your neighbours and impress them with your varied and wide ranging tastes in music, a taste so fine that means no-one in the south of Spain could possibly have heard such inventive and artistically rich soundscapes such as those that you deliver, as I say I could understand this. Unfortunately this would not appear to be the case given that your output seems to be consistently banal / pointless / meritless / lacking in substance (delete as appropriate based on which of these you can actually understand)

I hope I have made my point fairly succinctly (this means in a straightforward manner, I can already sense the confused look dawning upon that gormless face of yours) and that this note makes you think a little bit, maybe you could get your mate to order you some headphones (get wireless ones so you can still go out to the balcony), maybe it will help you develop a little bit of a conscience or perhaps give you the realisation that this earth we are on is not revolving around you (although I’m sure your mass does affect that slightly :)) and neither are its inhabitants particularly interested in you playing your music at excessive volume. The thought of this progressing and continuing all summer long makes me all the more satisfied that I am soon to move to Vienna (that’s in a country called Austria...................... ...............you know Austria............... near Germany, no? oh well never mind all you really need to know is that it is far from here) I hope that it is indeed far enough away to not be able to hear you.

If this note has you scratching your head concerning its cryptic nature then you are clearly more stupid than your badly done tattoos, vest tops and appalling taste in music make you look. So I’ll be blunt

You are a total fucking prick and if you weren’t so huge I would tell you that myself

Regards (a bit like thanks, but more formal)

A Neighbour

PS Sorry if this is not your scooter, if that is the case I’m sure you know who it’s intended for so please pass it on (and then maybe run)"

Any thoughts?