I got made redundant a few months ago, and now my old office is standing empty, save for a couple of people tying up finance and filing. I used to get my contact lenses sent to the office, so I went into Specsavers and got the guy to change my address to my new office. I assumed he was typing what I asked him to into his database.

Instead I got an email today from a man working in my old office, saying my contact lenses have been delivered there, but to Captain S Scott [second bit is my real name].

So, I'd like you all to call me Captain now. What fake title would you like?

So, I'd like