If ever the zombie outbreak finally materialises, I know I'll be just fine.

That's because for the past seven years I've been immersed in a weekly low level training exercise at Tesco in Branksome, Poole.

Random changes of direction? Check
Utterly unpredictable lurching? Check
Stopping dead for no reason whatsoever? Check
Abandoned shopping trolleys forming makeshift barricades? Check
Swaying from side to side in front of the freezer cabinet whilst I try to work out which ice cream to select? Check

Meanwhile, outside the shop some cunt requires three attempts to park a Smart car in his parking slot.