We've had the positivity thread, let's get to the real nitty-gritty shall we?

I reckon it's a miniature cactus.

1. Completely useless. Barely even functions as a decoration.
2. Can rarely tell if it's alive or dead. At least fly traps definitively snuff it.
3. One of those purchases that your relative clearly snatched off some overpriced market stall in desparation. i.e. you're the West Ham fan in their lives.
4. Will inspire some shit uncle jokes revolving around its phallic appearance and your prickly personality.

Prove me wrong.