Brighton is quite a small place, really. You won’t need to get a bus to anywhere, or a taxi… unless you’re hammered. Here are a few places you need to know about during the Great Escape weekend. Bookmark this page in your i-phone* and impress your friends with the kind of local knowledge you can’t find in a public toilets.

*might need to buy/steal/pretend to have an i-phone/something similar.

The Hand In Hand (google maps)

Facts: Only brewery in Brighton, smallest pub in Brighton, yellow.

This is the only place that brews its own beers, which are actually nice. Buy a pint of Kemptown, accompany it with a picky egg and slam 10p in the old school gambler. It has live music too… Sundays it’s either jazz (lots of brass, vocal duets etc) or bluegrass. They have also hosted bands such as British Sea Power, Tom Brosseau, Frightened Rabbit… the most recent and future performances go up on the associated website www.showyourhand.com. The staff are all very friendly, the place has a nice atmosphere. You can take a dog in – they have dog biscuits behind the bar. Cool. Get wasted in this place. It plays good music.

Events to look out for:

Thursday 13th May, The Penthouse, Fatcat vs. Domino DJs, 4–8pm (free to all)

Thursday 13th May, The Loft, FATCAT PRESENTS: Wild Palms, Here We Go Magic, Young Rival, Three Blind Wolves. Wristband = free entry, no wristband = £5.

Eating and Drinking

Lick Frozen Yoghurt (google maps)

You tried frozen yoghurt? It’s delicious. This place does the best frozen yoghurt about. If you’re a student you get a discount… I also just called them and sorted this out: Show them your TGE wristband and you get a free topping. It has a big glass window – perfect for people watching. Website: www.lickyoghurt.com/ Plays good music.

Red Roaster (google maps)

I’m not really one for coffee on a hangover, it makes me feel mental… but it works for everyone else, so go here in the mornings for a ‘hit’. Basically it’s the best coffee in Brighton and plays good music.

Bangers (google maps)

Shower – tick, coffee – tick, pie… ummm, where’s the pie? Don’t worry, it’s at Bangers, just off London road, as usual. No music… possibly radio.

PomPokos (google maps)

Japanese food, pretty cheap, really tasty, fast service. Brilliant.

Places to sit:

You need a lush patch of grass to sit in, maybe you want to lay down and put your head on someone’s lap. The kids call it ‘chilling’, I call it ‘resting’. Sit down on Pavillion Gardens when the beach pebbles start to annoy you. Just a nice place to sit, really. Queens Park for frisbee, Hove Lawns for football/frisbee, the beach for anything beach related (drinking/BBQ/swimming). Google these.

Places to buy music:

Resident, Rounder, Edge World, Borderline, Ape.

Snoopers Paradise (google maps)

Like 100 different cool vintage stores under one roof. Actually, it’s really like it – that’s exactly what it is. Like the name suggests, you can spend a good hour in this place looking about. I got lost in here once, only for about 15 seconds, but it’s never happened anywhere else. Turnstiles instead of doors.

Billies (google maps)

OK – the main one now: FRY UP. This place used local farms/organic foods to make their awesome cooked breakfasts. Best eggs benedict in town, and their speciality is a Hash. Eat one of these and you don’t need dinner. Nice puddings too. After this meal the next food stop is…

All Night Diner/Market Diner (google maps)

Does exactly what is says on the tin. Lots of very drunk people in here, having a very good time with food. Peaks around 3am

Brighton Museum (google maps)

If you like Papua New Guinean war masks made of dried yams, or you're hungover and would like to wander around a quiet, free, slightly dreamlike recovery zone, or if you want to impress a date with observational humour and an intellectual interest in Papua New Guinean war masks, then there is plenty to be found here. I tend to skip the Fashion and Style gallery, but if you like fashion or style then it might be alright.

Penny Arcade (google maps)

The pier's attractions are, in general, either best viewed as "traditionally charming", "ironic" or "annoying", but the penny arcade just underneath the main pier structure - where 20p buys one Shilling-era penny - is full of genuinely frightening motorised minstrel puppet shows, seedy Victorian peep-show flick books and proto-pinball Bagatelle machines. It's difficult not to have fun. There's also a metal tag machine, so if you're, like, in a band and stuff, you can make cool dog-tags to stick on your hardcases.

Think that’s just about it. Probably get some comments from other people who live in Brighton saying I’m wrong, or suggesting something better. Please remember, all of these people are either A) Liars, B) Mental, C) one of my enemies.